Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer–Deconstructed

December 22nd, 2014

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen

(Here we have all the cutesy English named deer—so how we wind up with the last two being German for Thunder and Lightning? Are there a couple of missing reindeer called Gauleiter and and Sturmfuhrer? Don’t forget that Jolly old Santa Claus was once Santa Klaus, a German. I want to know what Klaus and Donner and Blitzen were doing during World War Two. Were they secretly transported to Argentina after the war? Was the Vatican involved?)

But do you recall?
The most famous reindeer of all?

(how could I NOT fucking recall it—when I hear it in every elevator, bank, supermarket, building lobby and radio station all day long starting on Thanksgiving till I want to puke.)

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Has a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

((Why does a reindeer have a glowing nose”? Was he grazing too near a toxic waste dump or nuclear missle silo? Was he sent by giant reindeer aliens to take over the earth?
And why was his nose glowing RED—not amber or blue or green? Was this during the McCarthy period—was Rudolph suspected of being a fellow traveler—is that why his colleagues called him names? Pinko! Commie! Traitor!?)

How would I ever see it? I live in Manhattan—all I see are dogs, cats, pigeons and rats. And if I did think I was seeing a reindeer with a glowing nose it would mean that all the pills I take aren’t working and that I need to go back to the farm for a longer rest).

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names

(This is clearly hate speech and bullying. Santa, the fat, insensitive asshole, better get with the 21st century. This kind of trash talk from Dasher and Prancer and and Donnie and Blitzkrieg could drive a sensitive reindeer to dangerous, self-destructive behavior).

They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

(Again, this is just plain wrong—Rudolph, inevitably, would wind up being isolated and disturbed. He could harbor grudges. God knows what would happen if Rudolph—shunned and alone— got hold of a weapon?
Also, what kind of games do Reindeer play? Touch football, sex games, parchese? Clear this up!)

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

(Again, Santa needs to get with the modern world. He could stop into any Radio shack or Best Buy and get a goddamn GPS. Why put Rudolph on point and risk a head-on collision with some other vehicle or flying object when technology has provided a simple answer? I believe there be a case here for the ASPCA.)

Then all the reindeers loved him,
As they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nose Reindeer
You’ll go down in history!

(Man, what a bunch of hypocritical, superficial jerks. They ruthlessly insult Rudolph, risk driving him to near tragic behavior, refuse to include him in any of their “games”—whatever frat house bullshit games these are to begin with, Then, just because Santa gives him the lead job on the sleigh, they do a complete 180 and now they “love” him. This is the same kind of authoritarian behavior that has always supplied the fanatic followers to cults and dictatorships).

Can we get a modern, socially responsible version of this song—or what?

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